Today I had a breakthrough…

dontforgettobeawesome
Credit: Juaninja

After years of starting and then ending my other two blogs, LA Nightimer and Haikoochie, I’ve decided to put the era of bloglessness to an end. I’ve decided to stop limiting myself with excuses that I can’t have it all and write all in one place. There are so many books, blogs and professional writers that think in order to be successful you have to have a niche. As if all writers can or want to narrow down their thoughts, ideas and information down to one thing. Well, I’m here to bust that shit right up. No more niche, no more box, no more iron pressed corners. Here I am, writing and meaning everything I say. Messiness and all.

What a relief it is to not have to impress an audience with how much I know on one singular topic. I can write about whatever I want like video games, cannabis, music, and whatever else my big heart desires. This feels a lot like that story of the lion and the lamb, where the lamb takes the thorn out of the lions paw. You probably know the story so I won’t repeat it.

To give you some insight, there was a long time in my life where I was having no real thoughts, or what I like to call having zombie thoughts. I was so far thick into zombie mode that my thoughts were singular and passive. Read in zombie voice: alarm clock, get up, get ready, make tea, drive, get to work, work, socialize, work, smile, nod, drive home. Now, I stopped the zombie mode at the words drive home because as soon as I’d drive home I’d have all this silence, this beautiful silence, or music depending on how I felt. In the car is where I had my only alone time. It was quiet or loud and all I could feel was my body pulsating from the over stimulation of my job. When I’d get home I would get out of the car and walk through the door and go into a different life mode again: spend time with my partner, drink or get high, stare at the computer or cell screen and then eat dinner, rinse, repeat.

It’s like my mind and body were on a default setting where my true voice was existing in the background on mute or it was screaming at me. The screaming was pretty scary because it was fleeting and all my thoughts were ungraspable. Like they were flying through my head quicker than I could pluck it from existence. My past was holding me back. I had gone through so much in the past with rejection and privacy issues that I completely shut myself out and my creativity suffered. I had a thousands of little windows open and I needed to shut them. That’s when I decided to change. All these things weren’t happening to me, I was just dwelling on them. I was letting myself become immersed in the bullshit. Well, I just quit that shit. It was a process. It’s too long of a tale to tell in one blog post. So, probably more on that later.

Here’s the turnaround, I had a great conversation with a friend and we came to the conclusion that fear comes from the excuses I tell myself. Without excuses and reasons to not do things there is no fear. There’s no room to percolate on bullshit. So, without the fear I’m free to do and say and write what I want! And like that I decided to start this blog. You’re probably thinking how is this blog going to not end up a ghost town like the others, Juaninja? Well, I don’t know that it will or it won’t. I’m not Miss Cleo. I’m just sick of not writing and expressing myself. My hopes are that at some level this blog is helpful or humorous or even boring and annoying to someone. I want someone to feel something when they read what I’ve written.

So, to quote Bender from “Futurama”, Bite my shiny metal ass!

No, wait, I believe it was, I’m back baby!

Juaninja

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